Internal critic and perfectionism

The inspiration for this writing came from a conversation with a person who was involved in professional sports from a very early age. Training multiple times per week, high expectations, and constant performance pressure were woven into daily life already in childhood. Within such an environment, one learns early to suppress discomfort, tolerate strain, and continuously exceed one’s limits — even when physical or emotional resources are already depleted.

Especially in sports where physical appearance matters, profound distress can develop in girls and adolescent young women. Coaches striving to draw out maximum performance may at times be tactless or excessively strict, while children and adolescents often lack the capacity or resources to advocate for themselves. When there is insufficient safety or understanding at home, this external pressure can gradually become internalized.

In the conversation the words like: I have to or I must, I'm getting on my nerves, I should be proficient in this after all this years, they expect of me ... came to the surface.
Sounds familiar?

Our Internal Critic

These words originate from our internal critic. We all have it and it is more or less pronounced. When it is too pronounced it can appear as a very relentless internal monologue: you must, you failed again, how can you be so stupid, you should have known.

Not doing something that someone we perceive as an authority has told us to do — even when we feel we do not want to — can propel us into self-reproach. At times, this authority has already been internalized, as we set high standards for ourselves or hold ourselves to demanding expectations.

Beliefs

Behind this sense of “I must” there is often a deeply rooted belief that if we do not do something, we will be abandoned, unloved, or seen as inadequate.

You might notice this when you imagine not following through — perhaps the thought “I have to do this” ali immediately arises, and the option of not doing it does not even feel possible. Fear, anxiety, or even panic can surface.

What lies behind the perfectionism?

Perfectionism is frequently driven by a search for validation or recognition from others — often from parents or early authority figures. At its core, however, it reflects a fundamental human need: the need to be accepted for who we are, without having to prove ourselves, strive endlessly, or meet external expectations.

Change begins by developing a relationship with the inner critic — recognizing it as one part of us, and not identifying with it. When we approach this inner voice with curiosity, understanding, and compassion, its intensity gradually softens. Over time, the inner dialogue can become kinder, more supportive, and less driven by fear.